Darin wanted me to remind everyone that the opinions expressed in this feature are not necessarily those of Darin, and should not be taken as an endorsement, etc etc insert legalese here. Let’s get down to it, shall we?
Of course you are. It’s not even a question at this point. Your company isn’t making any money, all your goddamn dirty laundry is right out where everyone can see it, and you’re turning down 3 billion fucking dollars from fucking Facebook? Are you kidding me? You have got to be kidding me.
Then again, Evan Spiegel looks perma-stoned, so that might be the answer.
Getting serious for a second here, Snapchat: I get that you’re fucking around, trying to play the different companies against each other, but you gotta know how fucking sweet $3 billion IN CASH is. This ain’t some bullshit “Some cash some stocks some futures” offer. This is Mark Zuckerberg himself practically handing you a goddamned suitcase full of bills for your company. HOW THE HELL DO YOU SAY NO TO THAT SHIT?
Yeah, yeah, I heard about this Tencent Holdings bullshit offer for $4 billion, and yeah, it sure as hell does look prettier to have an extra billion, but this thing where you’re not doing anything with any of the offers until next year? Let me ask you a different question: ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?
Let’s get back to that dirty laundry. You have a friend who’s already accusing you of cutting him out of his rightful share. The hell you think is going to happen when or even IF you get $4 billion? Lawsuit, motherfucker. It’ll be bad enough with the $3 billion Facebook was offering, but an extra billion? And let’s not forget that everyone already thinks you’re shifty as hell, with the kiddie porn your users are uploading, and the fact that privacy is clearly not exactly your strong suit—shit, Snapchat, you’re a NATURAL for Facebook. And let’s not even forget about the fact that practically nobody over the age of 20 is doing anything with your service; teens are the most fickle fucking group of consumers in the world—can you really count on them to stick around, especially now that they know that icky old man Facebook was gunning for you? They’re going to run off to the next big thing, maybe even next week.
So what happens when the next scandal hits? And really, looking at your track record, it’s only a matter of time before something comes up again. All this attention you’re getting is going to fucking guarantee it. Just like your pictures, Snapchat, you’re going to be here today, gone tomorrow. The more shit people can throw at you the less chance you’re ever going to have of getting the kind of valuation you’re looking for—and we all know that you’ve got plenty of fucking skeletons in the closet that are just waiting to jump out and say “Boo!” like some idiotic Nightmare Before Christmas, late Halloween prank. You’re waiting until next year to make up your mind? The fuck is wrong with you? You should’ve taken the money and goddamned RUN. If you think you can really play the potential investors and would-be acquirers for that long without them catching on to the fact that you’ve got nothing to really fucking offer them, you’re going to deserve it when you go down in flames.
Fucking idiots, all of you.
Ok that’s enough ranting for 1 day … Read more of my rants here !!!